Hyper + Pressure = Crazy

2nd day back to work and im super hyper, unlike my usual self... But reckon im kinda enjoying this weird hyperness in me... i think it gonna last a long time too, but i guess Kak Zan, audrey and my buddies gonna tie me to my chair and forbid me from talking... heheh (",)

but i dont care...

I think someone have spread his craziness to me over the last 2weeks of my leave... turning me into crazy little girl... Today, during my 45mins of PMI session with Kak Zan & Audrey, there is this weird hyperness in me which allow me to go through this session smoothly, as the session goes on, I laugh and crap through my session, but as i look at the result im helding on im kinda disappointed. if not for the crappy warning letter given by that crazy B***H, i know i could have scored better. I know i can. But what Audrey and Kak Zan said make me felt even worse...

A beautiful nightmare...

Sometime life can be so amazing and beautiful, but the very next moment it can turn into a nightmare which for some people took forever to walk out from it... And some just move on like the nightmare never exist...

I just walked out from a terrible one recently, it was caused by my own foolishness to be committed, knowing i will not gain anything in return... And yet i still go ahead... But im glad it took me just a few days to realize this nightmare actually is a start to a beautiful, sweet dream... And it turn me into a much stronger person then before... In fact, i should thanks him for everything... If not i will never realize what is call true happiness...

Day 10 without someone...

I think im falling apart... Im not sure if i can go through every other day without thinking of him, like nothing had happen. Went to Vivo City earlier to meet Dexter, wanted to get a little dress for Candy's wedding but as we walk, as i see... I beginning to think of him lots. Had dinner at Modesto, as we sat there, as i eat, lots of things was going through my mind. I finally decided to catch a movie after dinner, cant remember when was the last time i watch one. We finally settle to watch Jennifer's Body. Damn... the stupid show is freaking me out. Never enjoy watching such show, whereby human being bitting one another or etc. Hee!!! but i spend most time hidding behind Dexter's shoulder... Wanted to hang out later but the poor chap look damn exhausted after accompanying me for the last two days.. Felt really bad, but i promise will make him herbal tea after his exam next week to make it up to him... But he is indeed a nice & funny guy, keep thinking that i ... Hahahaa!!!! If that ever happen, i think.... Hmmm...

Anyway... time to sleep. Need to work later.

Day 6 & 7 without someone....

this two days was like a dream... waking up doing nothing, waiting for some miracle to take place... 除了等待，不只还能做什么。。。

but the amazing things was i manage to reconnect with someone whom i have not seen for quite sometime and have minimum memories about. and the funny part is... He manage to cheer me up and stop me from drinking or staying out late... We chatted and he teased me through the long night. I was really surprise or should i say... really gladded that someone, somewhere remembered me and console me when i needed it...

As we chat... i found that we have many similarities... maybe because we are both January babies.. so great mind think alike... hee!!! he even offer to treat me to nice meals, and my favorite tiramisu.. hooray!!! As we met up last evening, i almost cant recognize him and the sad thing is i still cant recall must about him, or any training we have gone through together. Im so sorry Dexter... But we did had a great evening together despite all the faint memories... He let me feel like im having a date with my first love... what a weird feeling... hahah !!!

Well... As least i manage to survive the very first weekend without him. hope the remaining days to come will be easier to pass..

Day 5 without someone... Im proud of myself...

Sigh... i have overlook on some cases and i spend the whole morning listening to the customer complaint and unreasonable shit. But since it was my negligent, so let him scream his throat out lahz. I dont mind.

Suppose to meet Azza in town to go to the gym, but last minute she need to have dinner with customer then no choice... I went to gym alone, looking across the street i saw Takashimaya. That the last place i remember about us. So sweet, so nice, whether is it true feeling, at least i felt love and care.

As i walk down orchard road toward the train station, i saw all the beautiful christmas decoration. I suddenly felt very empty inside me. I remember our first christmas together, the silly video we took as we walk down orchard and my very first gift which took me 1 month plus to get it and i will never remove from my finger. Our second christmas, when i ask for the beautiful star necklace which i wear it everywhere i go. And our third christmas....

Im proud of myself, i took a train home alone. And i did everything alone today.

Day 3 & 4 without someone... Im not that strong afterall....

Work very hard this few day, and indeed time passed very fast. Went to gym with Azza after work on tuesday, as usual i force myself to do beyond my own limit, i though that the best way to numb myself. Feeling really exhausted after gym but i know i cant sleep even if im at home.

Thanks to Jia Wei i finally manage to sleep for 3 hours before getting up to work. Interesting night. We sneak into The Bayshore and had some wine there, then to the beach, and i found out a little secret about him.. Hee!! Then no where to go, we ended up at my condo poolside and finish the remaining wine...

Went to work without my mind and soul today. Took 1 hour time off and left earlier... Because im going to his place to collect my belongings. I sat at the playground for nearly an hour before i have the courage to go up to his place.

The moment i step into his house, a very strong feeling just rush through my mind. The moment i walked into his room, it so empty. Everything about me is gone. As i packed my stuff, my tears just keep flowing down. When im done packing then i realized how much stuff i have at his place, and the room look a lot more empty now. Especially the bed.

Yee Loong came to pick me up and send me home, on the way back we didn't talk but my tears keep flowing down. I still cannot believe everything is over. I sat down in my room, staring at the bags of things i brought home. I cried non-stop. Actually im not that strong afterall. 我其实没有这么潇洒。。。

Day 2 without someone... Chanting

It was a super tough second day without you, i can't bare to remove our photo from my desk nor my desktop. Cause in the photo was our sweetest memories... My birthday at hardrock cafe, when you were still an uniform officer and i was still a nurse with my long hair.

I force myself to work very hard today, so that i can stop thinking and ignore everything that was happening. But it time i stop whatever i was doing, i have the urge to text you to tell you im a very good tiger today. I controlled my temper very well doing despite the customer was really nasty. I know it too late to be good now to control.

After work, i decided to go chanting with mummy and i was surprised i managed to chant for more than 90mins. But it was a tough battle, each and every prayer i make it was for you. During the 90mins of chanting, you image just repeatedly flashed through my mind. I tried very hard to hold back my tears as i was chanting. I cant seem to remember anything bad about you despite there are many.

Now as i was typing this blog then i realized how badly bruise my both arms was. And how great your strength was the other night to drag me home. Despite the cold blooded expression and words you said to hurt me, i felt warmness in that pair of hand, which i felt very safe in each time i held them tightly.

I reckon i failed to miss and love you lesses today, i felt that i love you more now.

Day 1 without someone... And ready to let go...

I can't recall when was the last time i woke up so early on sunday morning, or should i say i didn't sleep at all.. Went to the gym at Paragon in the morning with Azza, and it very crowded. I perspired like mad girl with al the workout im forcing my body to do... I though i can do some weights, but my left hand just refused to cooperate with me.. I wish you were around then and there to help me...

I cant remember when was last time i took bus around Singapore, not ever after since he have gotten a car. I am still suffering from the damn motion sickness going on after so many hours... And it kinda bring back come sweet old memories... When we took bus to the night safari.. :)

Mummy was with me the whole day and she said many things which i get very emotional about.. And i know i can't shed a tears in front of her... She was crying with me the whole night, and i know i have to be strong in front of her even though im forcing myself to be happy and bubbly.

But she was still worried about me after i have reach home. She is worried if im crying myself to sleep again tonight, or what silly things i may have done. She is so silly. I will be strong for her cause she is my one and only close person on this entire planet.

I hope when i wake up tomorrow, i will love you a little lesses, and misses you a little lesses. Im all ready to let go of you. I hope you will wake up tomorrow and be a happier person.

I Can't Smile Without You...

Just like the meaning of this song... I can't smile with you....

You know I can´t smile without you

I can´t smile without you

I can´t laugh and I can´t sing

I´m finding it hard to do anything

you see I feel sad when you´re sad

I feel glad when you´re glad

if you only knew what I´m going through

I just can´t smile without you

you came along just like a song

and brighten my day

who would of believed that you where part of a dream

now it all seems light years away

and now you know I can´t smile without you

I can´t smile without you

I can´t laugh and I can´t sing

I´m finding it hard to do anything

you see I feel sad when your sad

I feel glad when you´re glad

if you only knew what I´m going through

I just can´t smile you

now some people say happiness takes so very long to find

well, I´m finding it hard leaving your love behind me

and you see I can´t smile without you

I can´t smile without you

I can´t laugh and I can´t sing

I´m finding it hard to do anything

you see I feel glad when your glad

I feel sad when you´re sad

if you only knew what I´m going through

I just can´t smile you

时间能够倒流吗？

Recently, everything in life seem so tedious. No lead, no aim, no ambition. I found myself again lost in this scary & ugly society. Sometimes, no matter how hard one have tried, how hard one have achieved, at the end one is still been penalize for all the effort.

Im feeling so exhausted in everything. I dont know how long more i can endure. Can someone please give me a helping hand, and pull me out from this nightmare...